I don't know how to love him
by urNotPERMITTEDtoTOUCH
Summary: This is set just after Up's injury and it is what the two of them feel around each other. I don't know if it is a one - shot or if it will turn out as a real story. Rated T for some violence and swearing. TUp Please R
1. Chapter 1

I know I haven't finished my other story yet, but I've actually a total mind – block right now and I was planning to write this for days and since I've got a day off tomorrow I just decided to do it. And actually I'm not sure if it's a one – shot or a proper story so I'll just write chapter 1. It's set just after Up gets his injury – I mean his famous injury that everyone knows about! And I chose this song because I think it expresses exactly what Taz feels about him at the moment.

Could you please review? That would be so kind of you!

Chapter 1

Song:

I don't know how to love him

(Jesus Christ Superstar)

I don't know how to love him, what to do how to move him, I've been changed.

Yes, really changed. In these past few days when I've seen myself I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this, I don't see why he moves me. He's a man. He's just a man.

And I've had so many men before – in very many ways.

He's just one more.

Should I bring him down, should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love, let my feelings out?

I'd never thought I'd come to this.

What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny; I should be in this position?

I'm the one who's always been so calm, so cool.

No lovers fool.

Running every show.

He scares me so.

Yet, if he said he'd loved me I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.

I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.

I'd turn my head, I'd back away.

I wouldn't want to know.

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so.

Taz hadn't seen Up in the last few days. Well, actually she had, but she had just been standing outside the sickbay, pressing her nose against the glass and looking at his weak body lying in the bed which seemed to be too small for his size.

Taz couldn't help but dream about what had happened down on earth; of course she'd nightmares the only thing that could keep them away was Up. Had been Up.

Two robots were left for Taz to fight with. Of course she would be able to manage that and Up would destroy Optimus Prime. The robot wars would be over and Taz could finally tell him what she felt about him.

But suddenly Up walked over to her and took her face into his hands.

"Up, what are jou doing? We need to fight de fuckin' robotas," Taz said and looked at him confused.

"I know, Taz. But I just wanted to –," Up cut himself off and pressed his lips onto hers, briefly.

He then turned away and walked away to face Optimus Prime. Taz was stunned and that was her mistake; she didn't notice the two robots heading towards her.

Up did see them and shot at them with his zapper. Taz was lying on the floor, breathing heavily.

"Ya alright?" Up asked and helped her to get up.

Taz tried to say something, but she was panting to hard.

Taz had trieed to tell Up that Optimus rime was heading towards him, but she couldn't manage it. And suddenly her vision was blurred with blood – Up's blood. The only thing Taz heard was a heard – wrenching scream and she felt tears streaming down her cheeks. She got up and grabbed her zapper to shoot that fucking robot which had taken away from her what she'd loved most.

The robot went limb and Taz knelt down to Up. Well, to what was left of Up. Everything she could see was blood – lots of blood and two halves of Up. He was dead.

"Lieutenant, you can go in now," a female nurse said.

"Fuck you," Taz replied.

The nurse looked at her, startled. Taz had always been kind to the crew members, but since Up's injury that had changed.

"Go in," a doctor said, not unfriendly, but sternly.

Taz nodded and got into the rehabilitation centre. Up was still lying in his small bed and was staring at the ceiling. Taz wasn't even sure if he had noticed that she was here. One of the doctors had told her that it was a possibility that Up wouldn't recognise her.

So Taz just sat there and waited for Up to do anything just like he had done in what seemed like ages ago.

"Taz?" a somewhat familiar voice asked. But somehow it didn't sound like Up's at all; it was much too weak.

"Yeah, it's me," Taz replied and refused to look at what had once been the man she'd loved. It seemed so much longer ago than just one and a half year ago, that Up had saved her at her quinchianera from those killer robots who tried to string her up like a piñata and smash her open so that they could eat her guts.

"You've changed a lot, ya know," Up mumbled. That almost made Taz cry; she was not the one who had changed so much.

Up reached out one hand to grab hers, but Taz pulled away. "No, Up, don't touch me," she growled and frowned at him.

Up looked at her hurt before he burst into tears.

"No, Up, no, please don't cry," Taz whispered, hysterically, she didn't want any of the doctors to come in. She patted Up's shoulder uncomfortably; it had once been as naturally as breathing to touch Up.

"Taz, why do you hate me?" he asked, whiningly.

"I – I don't hate jou, Up," Taz replied, taken aback by Up's question. How could he think she would hate him? Taz could never hate him.

"Then why didn't you visit me?" Up continued, still crying.

"I – I'm sorry Up, I need to go now," she said and got up.

"Taz," Up said, grabbing her wrist and tried to sit up which seemed to hurt him.

"Jes," Taz replied and turned back to him.

"Please don't give me up," he pleaded.

"Of course not," Taz replied even though she probably already had.

oooOOOooo

Up hated himself for being so weak. He'd been the toughest – son – of – a – bitch – ranger that the G.L.E.E. had ever had, deadgoddammit!

Why couldn't he just pretend to be like that for Taz's sake? He loved her, for crying out loud! And Up had already seen that she didn't love him the way he was right now. He hadn't even told her yet that his right side was a robot and that he hadn't got any balls.

Up hated the robots for doing this to him. And to Taz.

He tossed and turned to find a position that was comfortable enough for him to finally fall asleep again, but that was hard, for his entire body hurting as hell. Up hadn't eaten anything in days for food or water could destroy his robot side. It would take at least another three days until Space – Claw would allow him to eat.

Up heard steps outside the sickbay and expected to see Taz; she'd always been there the past two weeks. But it wasn't her. Actually there was no – one around. He believed that he'd gone mad, but Up decided not to think about it, but go back to sleep.

oooOOOooo

Up awoke a few minutes after midnight. He felt such a terrible pain in his chest and couldn't breathe anymore. Up looked around, but there was no doctor around here.

He knew that it was probably a bad idea, but he also knew that it was only Taz who could stop the pain. Up slowly got up from his bed and walked – no, limbed – to Taz's room. He opened the door and looked for her, but she wasn't there.

So Up decided to go to his own room, he'd spent there so many nights with Taz, maybe that would work too. He opened the door and went to his bed.

"Taz?" Up called out, surprised as he realised that someone was lying in his bed.

Taz woke up, startled and her fist collided with Up's jaw.

No, you won't cry. You're not going to cry she's going to hate you even more if you'll cry.

But he couldn't help it; he felt tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Up, what are jou doing here?" she hissed.

"I needed to see ya, Taz. I – I couldn't sleep," Up replied.

"How did jou know dat I'm here?"

"Why are you here?"

Taz didn't respond and Up feared that she would tell him to go away.

"Taz, can I please stay here tonight?" he pleaded.

"Uh … Jeah, of course, it's jour room, isn't it?" Taz said.

Up lay down next to her and wrapped his arms around the petite girl. She could feel his heart beating and wanted to push him away, but somehow this feeling was calming.

"Taz?"

"What?" she asked, harshly.

Up didn't reply at first. He buried his face in Taz's hair and listened to her steady breathing. She turned around.

"What?" Taz asked again.

Up rested his forehead against hers and looked into her big, brown eyes.

"Do you know why I didn't die as I was cut in two?" he said and Taz shook her head against his, "I didn't die because my right side is a robot"

Taz's eyes widened and she got up and stormed out of the room.

"Taz!" Up yelled, but she didn't turn around.

He knew that he had really lost her this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for reviewing this you guys! I was just watching GLEE and I was like 'Look that's Harry freakin' Potter!' and my sister was like 'Get the hell out of my room!'.

I wished my sister could be a StarKid too.

Well, as you see I decided to make that a multi – chapter please review! I don't know in which schedule I will update this, but I'm really busy with schoolwork lately for it's my last year – well, month – at school until I'll finally go to High – School and I have to study a lot, because I really suck at maths.

Chapter 2

Song

(Still the same as in the first chapter)

I don't know how to love him, what to do how to move him, I've been changed.

Yes, really changed. In these past few days when I've seen myself I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this, I don't see why he moves me. He's a man. He's just a man.

And I've had so many men before – in very many ways.

He's just one more.

Should I bring him down, should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love, let my feelings out?

I'd never thought I'd come to this.

What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny; I should be in this position?

I'm the one who's always been so calm, so cool.

No lovers fool.

Running every show.

He scares me so.

Yet, if he said he'd loved me I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.

I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.

I'd turn my head, I'd back away.

I wouldn't want to know.

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so.

Taz was running down the hallways trying not to think about what Up had just told her. She couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Taz remembered every detail of the day when she had first met him. And so did Up.

It was the day of Taz's quincheanera – the day she'd been looking forward to since she could talk. But then the robots came and took everything away from her.

And there was Up. He destroyed them all and he also took Taz away from earth and brought her to his Starship.

The following days were pretty hard for Taz; she'd been hurt very badly and had to stay at the sickbay, but Up spent every fucking day with her.

And after Taz was allowed to leave the sickbay, she considered him her best friend. And Up was quite happy with that for him wanting to be somebody's buddy for such a long time.

But now … well, he wasn't that Up anymore – he wasn't her Up anymore.

oooOOOooo

Up crawled out of his bed and decided to follow Taz. He couldn't just leave it like that. As he stepped out of the room Up saw her running head over heels down the corridor.

"Taz!" he yelled. Well, at least that was what he wanted to do, but everything he could manage was a pathetic whimper.

Taz stopped for a second – she could hear the pain in his voice – and turned around.

"Up, Up I'm sorry, but jou just can't expect me to -," she cut herself off. Of course he could expect her to still stay with him after he'd told her that he was half a robot. After all that was what friends – best friends – were supposed to do.

"I know, Taz that I can't expect ya to just accept that, but I want ya to," Up replied and stepped closer towards her.

Taz struggled to keep control of herself and stop herself from running away.

"Up, please don't," she said as gently as possible as Up reached out one hand to touch her, but he was hurt, though.

"No, no Up, don't cry, no please, don't!" Taz whispered, whipping his tears away with her thumb; she was afraid that anyone could see the famous Commander cry.

"Taz, why do you hate me?" Up repeated the question he'd already asked her before, whiningly.

"I – I don't hate jou, Up. I don't hate jou," Taz replied, softly.

"Why are you acting like it then?" he asked and couldn't hold back his tears once more.

She felt like she was about to punch him. Of course Taz didn't hate him – she couldn't hate Up – but she also couldn't bother to see him so weak and worst to see him cry.

"Taz I'll try to be tough again, but you know that they said that it will probably not work," he said and Taz looked at him disbelievingly.

"What do jou mean 'It won't work'?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Taz?" Up whispered as Taz was about to turn around and walk away.

"Up, I'm sorry, but that's to much for me to take in right now," she replied and if he hadn't know better Up would have sworn that he saw tears glistening in her eyes.

Taz turned around and started to walk away as Up suddenly yelled: "Taz, please don't do that to me! Please help me to get back up, just like I helped ya!"

Taz had been known for her lack of emotion all over the academy. Well, she was nice – even kind of absentmindedly, just like she'd already left this world. She often made random comments which didn't fit with what the others were actually talking about, that was why she hadn't had many friends at the academy. Well, Taz had actually had no – one except for Up.

But she didn't even try to become anyone's friend – except for Up. She spent her first months at the academy with following him around wherever he went – just like a little puppy – dog. Taz knew that there were rumours about the two of them, but, well, she couldn't care less. She was just happy to have Up.

He had taught her how to fight and Taz had realised that fighting was the only time when she could show her true emotions and she was happy that she could do that around Up.

And one day, when she was laying on the mat with tears streaming down her face, Up bent down next to her and asked: "What's wrong, Taz?"

"I don't know how to take dis. I just … my familia all died and I'm all alone. I have no – one," Taz said and didn't even bother to hide her tears from Up. Well, she never did this; he had seen her crying more often than anyone he had ever known.

"Why Taz, you have me," Up replied, "And here's just a thing: I doesn't matter how hard you get knocked down, you always have to get back up. So get back up," he continued, softly, while holding his hand out for her.

Taz grabbed it and Up pulled her back to her feet.

Taz looked at the man who had once taught her everything she knew. He looked so … broken.

"Well, I – I don't really know, Up," she replied.

"You don't have to know anything, just help me to get back up!" Up pleaded.

"I -," Taz began, but she was cut off by Up wrapping his arms around her.

"No – no, no, no UP!" Taz yelled, but he didn't let go.

Up bent down, buried his face in Taz's unruly, raven curls and embraced her so tightly, that she almost couldn't breath anymore.

"Taz, just fuckin' help me," he said and Taz finally gave up struggling and let him embrace her.

"Fine. Fine," she replied, briefly and moved herself out of Up's grip.

Up looked into her once so soft puppy – dog – eyes which yet looked back at him with anger and even disappointment.

Taz glared at him once more, before she finally turned around and walked away. Up felt again tears burning behind his eyes.

Did she really want to help him or did she just feel guilty because it was her fault that he became that what he was right now?

Well, Up didn't blame Taz for that, he had wanted to save her life and he would die for her. Maybe it would have been better if he'd actually died.

But he would do anything for Taz, though. Even if he had to get back up and become tough again.

Suddenly he heard footsteps coming closer and turned around hoping it would be Taz. But it was just a boy who's name he had forgotten.

"Commander is something wrong, man?"

Uh, nothing, just that I was cut in two, my right side is a robot and I ain't got no balls, Up thought. But he said in a pathetic try to sound tough: "Nothing. Just bitches ruining my life"

The boy seemed to expect him to say, because he stood still and looked curiously into Up's face. But he didn't want to talk about his problems with a guy whose name he had forgotten.

"Oh, it's Taz, isn't it, dude?" the boy replied and gave him a dazzling smile.

The old Up had punched him in the face for that, but this Up – the Up he hated to be – just gave him a sad smile and nodded his head.

"Maybe I should talk to her"

"You would really do this? Thank you so much!" he blurted out, cheerfully and hugged the boy tightly.

"Yeah. Yeah," the guy replied, while patting his back shyly.

Up hadn't realised that he had started to cry again until he let go of the boy and saw that the textile of the boys sleeve was wet. He turned around and limbed back to the sickbay. Up didn't want the boy to see him cry, though he had probably noticed for his sleeve being wet. He was worried that the doctors were angry at him for him being technically not allowed to leave.


End file.
